I am a kind woman… I am a selfless woman. I am an empathetic woman. I think my makeup is too thin. I better go buy a better brand; or let someone else ‘gift’ it to me.
I will entertain the attractions and attentions of suitors and friends even after I know that I will eventually disappoint them, as I am not interested in a long term relationship or in fulfilling commitments I made in order to be friends. But I will continue to give them my attention and my time because they provide me with what I want: attention, the essence of friendship (just like how vanilla essence is not real vanilla), help, and free food.
I am also a sensitive, empathetic, and agreeable person, so I do not want to tell them the truth: the fact that I will inevitably and unavoidably let them down in the future. The prick of pain which comes from rejection and forthrightness is too much for me to inflict. I’d much rather deceive people using silence – that way I get the best of all three worlds: I can continue to leech off of them, I can see myself as moral because I do not cause harm, and I prevent them from moving on to greener pastures because I occupy their emotions and time.
If an issue arises where I start to move towards some form of binding commitment with a person that I actually do not want, I will not bring the issue to light. Instead, I will continue to use the person and let the problem grow and grow like a weed, using silence as a substitute for truth. The issue of course here is the binding commitment, because a binding commitment proves that our relationship is more than just fluffy words.
Of course, I will keep the issue ambiguous and never clarify it even if you try and bring it to my attention, or confirm a solution. That’s because, well for one, I don’t have to say anything which may hurt your feelings, and two, because then when it gets to the breaking point, I can play the victim.
The breaking point will always arrive – it’s simply a matter of time, seeing how I’ve let the weed grow and grow. But then when it’s reached a climax and you are asking me to fix the issue, to clarify what it is that you want, to back up my words with my actions, I will not be able to because the problem will be so big that I can no longer dismiss it. And this is exactly what I want: I want to be cornered so that I can pretend that I have no control in the matter and that I’m simply a victim of unfortunate circumstances, as you will be too.
And if all goes to plan, you will fall for this scheme! Since you are my friend, you will trust me and trust that I have benevolent intentions. And it’ll look perfect too: I will look as if I was not able to fix the problem, and behind that, at the very bottom, I will just look like someone who didn’t want to her her friends’ feelings.
On the off chance that you are wise and you will see the grand narrative rather than just the play by play, and you lose trust in me and you feel betrayed, I will try my best to make you fall for me again. I will cry crocodile tears the size of rivers, I will speak sincerely and apologize profusely, in short, I will garb my shallow ‘sorry’ with whatever form of speech it is that I know you would find most convincing.
To top it all off, I must keep what I am truly doing unconscious. Because if I were conscious of it, then I would be revealed to myself and to others as a schemer! A manipulator! A leech! And we cannot have that. So I shall keep all of this unconscious in order to fool myself into thinking that I am an innocent, kind, and good person.